His wounds run deep

Saturday was the second class at doggie boot camp for Panda and I. The first class went great. He is by far not the worst dog in class, my biggest fear, and we both are learned a TON!
Day two was a bit harder. We are now learning how to stand on command and stay in a stand – stay. (He mastered the sit – stay before we even left the first class!!!) Part of teaching stand is to get them to do it and then say “stand!” Like it was the dog’s idea. You rub the dog’s legs or tummy and the natural reaction for them is to stand up. Well Panda does not like his tummy or legs touched for the most part. When he first came home it was a big deal for him, now over time and a lot of work, we have gotten to the point that I can give him a good belly rub but only when the time is right for him. In class the time wasn’t right for him and he was having none of it! So I asked the trainer what to do if your dog will not let you touch his tummy? She came over to demonstrate. The second she very genially put her hand on his back he freaked out. He was crying, pulling, jumping and flailing all try to get away from her. She sat on the floor with him and me for a long time getting Panda (and I) to calm down. She asked me what had happened to him. I told her about his past. How he had been abused by his breeder as a puppy. She said “I knew he must have been abused by that reaction. His wounds must run deep.”
I was holding back tears. I know he still has a hard time sometimes… a lot of the time. He rarely trusts new people. He worries if he thinks I am mad or if he has done something naughty. He never likes to be away from me or in a place he doesn’t know. But to see him have such a hard time with someone that has made there whole life about helping dogs just kills me. It’s not fair that he had to go through such brutality at under 8 weeks old. It’s not fair that it still haunts him. Then my gilt kicks in. I feel like I haven’t done enough for him. Like if he still feels this strongly I haven’t helped him overcome what happened. Like I haven’t given him a good enough life. I know that’s just the emotions talking but it is so hard for me not to feel as if I have failed him in some way or another.
After a few minutes he was ready to move on with the class and she could tell (not show) me how to teach him better. At the end of class she came back over to us and told me that I should really think about going into the advanced class with him once this class is over. She made a big deal about the fact that she doesn’t push this on everyone, but she thought Panda would do great! I was a bit shocked. I mean was she talking about the same dog that was having a heart attack a short while ago? She said she could tell that Panda trusted me very much and that he was so willing to please me. More training would help strengthen our relationship even more and could help him move on. We will see how the rest of the beginner classes go before we move to advanced, but I do agree my baby would do great in anything he does! :)
The ride this little boy has had me on for the last year and a half is like nothing I ever knew existed. I don’t, however, regret it for a second. Panda has taught me so much about myself. He has shown compassion and strength when most would have given up. He has fought for me when most would have run and I for him! I haven’t given up on him… I will not give up on him! Yes, his wounds run deep but is love of life runs deeper. I am SO proud at how far he has come in his short life and can’t wait to see what happens in the next four weeks of boot camp!